A Country Rag-- Bizarro Tabloid Flash News*--page 1


Made in the USA by American citizen/taxpayers



BIZARRO$TABLOID$FLASH$NEWS -- Page One


HEADlines


BIZARRO$TABLOID$FLASH$NEWS
























Motto:These cows are not sacred and neither is their bull.






To be: Channeling Shakespeare
 
Calling all exterminators
for universal pest control.
Maggots are again loosed on the earth
and mindlessly sucking it dry
to leave just a crisp and crenilated hulk
of nothing but the mutilated form of what was
like the ruins of Rhodes
or the avatar of Pompeii.
We have termites untreated gnashing 
at foundations of  our structure and existence.
So bring the spray,
lay well your traps
lest all that's living left on land be rats.

--jH (2011)









! *** SPEW ALERT *** !
Reading not recommended with a full mouth.


WE THE PEOPLE



LIVE streaming






  1. ding ding "Great White Hope discovered to be black!"


  2. ding ding "In commemoration of the prior Administration, Manhattan's Four Seasons' chef extraordinaire prepares and presents 'Chicken a la Cheney, Brulee' to any taxpayer left who can afford to visit outside of their home state."


  3. ding ding "Assets garnered to restore celebratory relic of sacred Valley Days of Gory."


  4. ding ding "This just in! Hot off the wires! Virginia only passes cryptic legislation barring their attorneys indefinitely from practicing or researching particle physics."


  5. ding ding "Bill to force full disclosure of medications taken daily by Congressional representatives stalled, and may be DOA, on House floor."


  6. ding ding "Arraigned today before the World Court for 'crimes against humanity' attorneys for G. W. Bush and R. Cheney entered defense pleas of 'Unrestrained Idiocy'."


  7. ding ding "The Give-A-Shit Association announced today that it has run out of "I-Gave-At-The-Office" buttons but that it has a small supply of "I-Gave-A-Shit" bumper stickers remaining."


  8. ding ding "The following document has been unearthed from a Time Capsule loaded and owned by former Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr:
    'Contract on America: ...Whuriz, females have been garnering in their names alone savings, investments, incomes and properties rightfully belonging by historically long-standing Edicts From On High to Gentile Males, we hereby secede, as attested through our X's below, by prior sacred precedent from any and all instances of equitable distribution of anything and declare all females INJUNS ....'"

  9. ding ding "In Court session yesterday, Judge Lopick declared Josey Kapil and Kurt Drebon Unfit Persons, vacating their legal status as People."


  10. ding ding "The Republic of China today declared the decade of 2000-2008 officially Years of The Pig and ordered that printed on all restaurant tablemats."


  11. ding ding "Appropriately, during the tenure of President Barack Obama and his family, a Fort Knox of western state black gold is discovered and developed within the USA."


  12. ding ding "'Lose-It-Here' dollar-toll booths spring up all over America as Publirats buy for salvage and reconvert antique telephone booths coast to coast and border to border."


  13. ding ding "According to reporters on the scene.... from his deathbed, Dick Cheney whispered to high priest Monsignor Jose Lachavos overseeing last rights that he looks forward to spending some inequality time soon with Stalin, Dahmer and Mengeles especially."


  14. ding ding "Patronize and investigate your local bank of Publirats, specializing in cumulative compound criminal outrage computed and paid hourly or, at the very least, daily."


  15. ding ding "A universal movement commenced today to convert the American 'Religious Right' and 'Born Agains' to Judeo-Christian attitudinal principles and ethical behaviors."


  16. ding ding "Forty-seven native-born Americans were found dead of disgust this morning in Manhattan's Central Station."


  17. ding ding "Following development of huge oil reserves in North Dakota and Montana, Governor Perry declares his state America's official Ghost Town."


  18. ding ding "Socio-economic journalists and media commentators have coined and popularized acronym 'The Humpie-Dumpies' for reference to early 21st century Hurting and Downwardly Mobile Professionals."


  19. ding ding "For sound philosophical and widely-known fiscal reasons Publirats clarify that they are only Pro-Life for the unborn whose Constitutional rights and guarantees, since they can't think or speak for themselves obviously, Publirattas continue to channel vociferously and exclusively."


  20. ding ding "Famed mystic Polgharisha Lomisan last night on The Real Radio Show observed that the ancient Mayans may have missed the year in their prophecy and that the World as we knew it for storied millenia has already ended without formal notice or fanfare."


  21. ding ding "In accounting to visiting journalists for the preturnatural quietude and pleasantry of Jouphing Fall Flats, resident Alicita Lominko observed that they had accidentally the prevous week opened fire at close range on all of the town attorneys and banking personnel."


  22. ding ding "Publirat Pharms, Inc. announced today mass retail release worldwide of its $14.83 Be-Calm/Be-Gone OTC to quell stomach upset and heart palpitation found to be common cross-country consequent to reading, hearing or watching media daily news programming."


  23. ding ding "Shortages of fresh tomatoes, pine nuts and real life were recorded on Earth today. Loss of pine nut habitat has become critical, M.I.T.'s Professor Nathaniel Pinfergel warned in recommending urgent private-to-governmental studies and subsidies. The dearth and decline of all three naturally-occurring substances has been traced to 'free radicals' found by research chemists amongst trial lawyers and investment bankers."


  24. ding ding "With joint appearance yesterday of Perry and Palin, historic worldwide Stock Markets and Banking Systems and Evolution bottom out synchronistically."


  25. ding ding "New fad hobby of 'slug-watching' heats up during election campaign season. Hobbiest supplies discounted globally!"


  26. ding ding "Publirat Perry, flanked by Publirattas Bachman and Palin, last night on the internationally-syndicated FOX chat-news show 'Pack-in'' publically accused the First Family and the entire Obama Administration of being 'soft on Sadism.'"



    Break Time!




  27. ding ding "Reality found to be biggest casualty during Bush/Cheney War on Terrorism. D.C. Mall memorial to loss to be designed and unveiled next year."


  28. ding ding "Hell-oo-Eaze reminded her audience seniors today of the natural savings inherent in not buying anything new because, '... due to old age memory loss, everything you have seems new!'"


  29. ding ding "Virginia becomes first state to be expelled officially from the United States of America, and the Continent of North America, and the Western Hemisphere! -- closely followed, precedent having been set, by Texas."


  30. ding ding "Buzzed tax-exempt ultra-rich wind up their Perry and Bachman toys in flurry of fear they may be thrown overboard into Somalian Sea from refurbished Ship of State anchored here."


  31. ding ding "Western Hemisphere Misery Index having topped 100 yesterday, the Federal Reserve in concert with the World Bank anounced its replacement with the Agony Factor which has been set at 2 initially and is predicted by them to rise exponentially during American Presidential campaign season."


  32. ding ding "Beta-tested killer app 'pop-OFF' for Windows 2.0 and up marketed retail today. If successful, developers vow to extend functionality to 'Right-Wingers'."


  33. ding ding "Critically high membership dropout rate from the I-Give-A-Shit Association reported yesterday by its director who also noted a low demand volume for and inventory of 'I Gave A Shit' buttons and bumper stickers."


  34. ding ding "Constitutional amendment barring residents of former CSA from holding USA government office gains energetic momentum following quasi-CSA public conclave recently at Reagan Crematorium."


  35. ding ding "Like gorging on pepperoni pizza and draught beer, a coalition of the global ultra-wealthy announced today they're tired of('pigged out' on) collecting other people's money and have switched to used hubcaps."


  36. ding ding "With commencement of Publirat presidential campaign season, historians Assad Al-Lomkaj and Chi Won Tsao-Li announced jointly today that the global EIEI (Embarassingly Ignorant Evil Idiot) Index rose to a statistically significant 13.777777777777777777776."


  37. ding ding Hillary Clinton's just-released children's coloring book, It Takes A Village of Idiots To Create The Crap We're Wading Through, is a best seller now amongst grade schools attempting to orient and adjust their students to 21st Century Earth realities."


  38. ding ding "For Labor Day 2011 Publirats, especially in Virginia and its Shenandoah Valley, made official to historians and clergy worldwide their determination to test truth of God's promise of eternal damnation and Hell to unreformed evil-doers and to generations that follow them."


  39. ding ding "Since locusts have been overused previously and have lost some of their dramatic effect, Turkish Botanist and Seer Karishman Jaduanarou predicts a plague soon of black carpenter ants next to afflict North America."


  40. ding ding "A lead article in yesterday's mainstream media pondered out loud whether Americans could bring themselves to elect a fat person to the USA presidency which led Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Cervarsa Pindletoski to wonder at length before the United Nations General Assembly why there is a material world at all, especially the one inhabited by that particular writer."


  41. ding ding "Publirats plead nolo contendre to capital offense of 'spreading the wealth' by moving American factories and 'white collar' businesses overseas in outsourcing jobs and (discounted) wages globally. Presentence report recommends confiscation of Patriot badges and federal tax subsidies."


  42. ding ding "Correction**! Eighteen percent of Americans now prefer Congress to Leprosy or Refrigerator Mold."

    **"A record 82 percent of Americans now disapprove of the way Congress is handling its job the most since The Times first began asking the question in 1977, and even more than after another political stalemate led to a shutdown of the federal government in 1995. More than four out of five people surveyed said that the recent debt ceiling debate was more about gaining political advantage than about doing what is best for the country. Nearly three-quarters said that the debate had harmed the image of the United States in the rest of the world. Read More: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/05/us/politics/05poll.html"

  43. ding ding "The Christian Wrong gathered in closed session last night at Yucca Flats Montana EconoLodge#6 where cloaked and hooded members exchanged in whispers their on-line nicknames, promised unanimously future fealty to linguistic purity, and pinky-swore to atone publicly with twelve bloody marys each for past mixed metaphors."


  44. ding ding "The federal Health and Human Services Department announced this morning that the 'caps lock' key has been designated our official National I've-Had-It! Button."


  45. ding ding "[all caps] Only 'stand-by' tickets available now on retroactive Back-to-the-Future Flight #13 from America to a surviveably sane destination."


  46. ding ding "Self-aware Publirats refute and reject concept of Evolution, citing inarguable evidence they have not grown or changed at all from their predecessors at the Dawn of Humanoids on Earth."


  47. ding ding "Dog-Dung attire declared cultural couture epitome in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley. Hordes swamp local lost-hound pounds."


  48. ding ding "Following a very long illness, America was found dead this morning on the starstep of the Universe of complications arising from mistreated Hubris and Bigotry."


  49. ding ding "Americans vote that they are not ready for or capable of responsible exercise of the right/gift of franchise."


  50. ding ding "Plan to balance federal budget by selling Congress overseas fails when glutted global markets make clear that the price of sleaze has fallen there below that of (mongrel) dog tail futures."


  51. ding ding "Constitutional amendment barring trial attorneys from holding legislative office gains support of ABA after passports of all its members revoked permanently."


  52. ding ding "Six out of ten Americans find the concept of Evolution more unbelieveably unacceptable than the prospect of Perry or Palin running The Greatest Nation In The Free World."


  53. ding ding "Publirats convinced at Las Vegas convention yesterday by Stage-Front Seminar speaker Louis B. Mayer IV that they are not really characters being filmed for a B-string 1930s Hollywood cinematic break down in tears ruining their makeup and wrinkling their Botox."


  54. ding ding "Citing recent behavior(especially), Constitutional Amendment to balance Congress by mandatory random drug-testing of legislators gains momentum amongst states."


  55. ding ding "To cheer up about the latest socio-economic news, Hell-oo-Eaze recommends watching replay loops of films 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' or 'Saving Private Ryan,' or 'Thelma and Louise.'"


  56. ding ding "In legislation endorsed enthusiastically last week by Governors Perry and Palin, Publirats have introduced officially their own Clean Water Act(H.B. #P|3j:6Lp9-4Fd.S/K7m) with proviso for (bid-winning) vendor-installed hydrogen pumps at all intersection stop lights so populace can mix their own pure staple elixir with free radical air in sterilized milk jugs available for a now-estimated $4 each (plus tax) from on-the-spot dispensing machines -- all to be trial-marketed first in Virginia, and Texas!"


  57. ding ding "Economists note that the daily media news opens up a vast, largely unexplored and fertile field for innovator/purveyors of affordably and healthily effective distraction and a potential solid gold job creation opportunity for government or private enterprise. Federal Bureau of Homeland Serenity suggested to oversee and certify projects."


    Break Time!




  58. ding ding "The RRI (Ridiculous Rhetoric Index), as assessed and recorded monthly by the Federal Bureau of Weights and Measures, peaked in the U.S.A. mid-July. Fox A-Live ratings rose accordingly while jubilant stockholders and unrestrained brokers cheered on Wall Street."


  59. ding ding Beginning at 10:38 a.m. this morning and as long as supplies last, Shenandoah Valley Visitors Centers are providing free with every purchase a super-large dark brown muscle shirt printed on the front in large brightly bold red lettering, 'Proud graduate of Fuk U., Virginia.' For additional fee of $22 (plus tax) each a complimentary hunting knife directed inward can be printed on the back in black."


  60. ding ding "Political Scientists have tracked a recent exponential rise globally in the Kaflooey Phenomenon to America's former Bush/Cheney Administration and its supportive legislative Congress and estimate a positive relationship ratio of 4.83:1 from it to measurably observable instances of the WTF Factor worldwide."


  61. ding ding "Citing the Book of Genesis and numerous other sources, attorneys representing God have sued the Bush/Cheney Administration and Publirats over their claim to exclusive domain over Zero or Nothingness, as well as Negativity and Fission."


  62. ding ding "Hell-oo-Eaze advised today in her popular FOX A-Live syndicated morning jog-along and meditation monologue 'Ditch The Drain Strain': Try not to take the end of the world personally."


  63. ding ding "Perry promises supporters life sentences to all internet users and owners of witches before Palin explains to him that the word is 'widget'and is not necessarily evil."


  64. ding ding "Legislator Michelle Bachman took The Fifth on last night's Chat-With-The-Scientists show on the grounds that anything she said would incriminate her of stupidity, or at least ignorance."


  65. ding ding "Commemorative Woodstock NY dance planned for tonight by The Old Schmuck Society of baby-boomers who fell for Wall Street's IRA/pension fund plots and other rip-off scams in planning for their senior years of 'retirement'. All geezers -- and their live-in children and grands, stray pets, parents and other kin -- are invited to boogey on down!"


  66. ding ding "Warren Buffet poised to buy China in potential rescue of USA government, and Bank of America and a few other stumbling companies. Expects to double his investment within twelve years."


  67. ding ding "In the interest of world peace, all phony and bogus entities have been consigned to report and are segregated to Texas or, if full, Virginia. True and real entitites are to be picked up and transported soon to New Jerusalem, or Iceland and New Zealand."


  68. ding ding "Invest your assets in Virginia and its Confederate valley. Criminality compounded daily -- sometimes hourly!"


  69. ding ding "Hell-oo-Eaze reminded her audience today that historically good teeth may be sure evidence indicative of a missspent, possibly very evil or brief, life."


  70. ding ding "Virginia unveils new media campaign for its Basket Case: 'Be someone else! Relax in our Shenandoah Valley!'"


  71. ding ding "This just in! At an urgent meeting of the Global Psyciatric and Stock Brokers Association (GPASBA) affiliates address new finding that the average IQ across socio-economic groups is actually '80' now by a broad range of accepted standard measurement tools and methodologies, skewing statistical bases for using '100' as meaning 'average.' In consequence, '80' will now be '100.' '120' will be '145,' and considered in the 'genius' range. Anything below '80' will be considered '0,' or functionally and untreatably braindead. The modified number variants will be extended to our currencies, e.g. a bill for $100 may be paid in full with four $20 bills and a ticket for $80 is nonexistent, meaningfully, and conveys that no amount is due on that account. This adjusted mathematical model is expected to solve federal and state over-indebtedness issues during our lifetimes on this planet and in this new dimension being dubbed Probable Zero, or Base Zero, by worldwide statisticians who've been taking their medications as prescribed to accommodate their uncomfortable disorientation in dealing with and adjusting to these incontravertible research findings and post-contemporary realities."


  72. ding ding "Virginia's Shenandoah region beats out others nationally and globally on newest offically validated DWPSM(Dangerous Weirdos Per Square Mile) Index. Code Red! Exercise Extreme Caution there."


  73. ding ding "Economists turned in this morning startlingly good news about the American financial structure, which has inched up in the past two months to Dysfunctional Fragility from being stabilized at Totally Afunctional at year end."


  74. ding ding "Former 'breadbasket of the Confederacy' recently recognized officially as its 'basketcase' and the nation's 'waste disposal unit'."


  75. ding ding "China salutes U.S. Gang of Nine and expresses formal solidarity with Supreme Court in festive commemorative Memorium to be called 'Gang Bang Days' scheduled to commence on December 12, 2011 in Beijing. Lesser local U.S. gangs to be honored simultaneously in its provinces."


  76. ding ding "Forecasters warn that WTF Factor rose last weekend to dangerous levels. Babies, the elderly and asthmatics advised to stay indoors with reliably-filtered air conditioning."


  77. ding ding "House #MK5/437.987{g+0}~ and Senate #LJd098.66|83.px5V-7.2 Bills introduced to Congress, over raucous Publirat objection, prohibiting verbal contemplation, introduction and discussion of enervatingly stupid or obviously trivial legislation. FOX A-Live hosts and reporters warn sponsors they will quit and network threatens to go off the air if bills pass."


  78. ding ding "Facing squarely a lingering Commonwealth issue of socio-medical contention and litigation, Virginia legislators introduce bill definining 'braindead' as 'physiologically headless.' Contraversial proposed clarifying amendment adds ', and literally spineless also.' "


  79. ding ding "In today's edition of the Duh-Duh News & World Report, ace journalist Jacko Plarnis shocks Main Street by revealing, in his words that,'...with executive pay, rich pull away from America [and that a] mounting body of economic research indicates that the rise in pay for company executives is a critical feature in the widening income gap....'"


  80. ding ding "Hold it! First National Gag-In scheduled on the steps of Congress for next Sunday. Simultaneous secondary function planned on steps of Supreme Court building."


  81. ding ding "Shenandoah Valley Visitor Centers announced provision this month of complimentary anti-stress pills to passers-through: Cyanide or the natural alternative, certified organically-grown Hemlock. Government authorities guarantee program extension through yearend if popular with public served."


  82. ding ding "At today's international WHO symposium Riyad's Dr. Sylva Muhammed Noaleraj continues to tout penilectomies to arrest inexplicably sudden and drastic worldwide epidemic of prostate cancer amongst Anglo-Saxon males."


  83. ding ding "Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative reporters Windward and Barnsheen 'follow the money' to fundamentalist churches and trace most funds to a clandestine coalition of wealthily militant missionary atheists and the Vatican."


    Break Time!




  84. ding ding "Virginia's Valley Tourism Association announced today it has a newly-arrived inventory of 'MADE IN THE SHENANDOAH VALLEY' red self-stick labels with distinctive black lettering, free (plus $7.50 entrance fee and 47 cent state sales tax) for proper identification of items and individuals damaged beyond repair there."


  85. ding ding "Internationally-acclaimed documentary, 'The Basket Case: Skipping The Crime Fantastic,' released recently to packed theatres worldwide."


  86. ding ding "Newly discovered 1992 Al Queda bulletin addressed to its militantly radical devotees reads in part, 'Our operatives have perfected a priceless new technique of torturing and killing (wasting) Capitalist American Pigs! We have, therefore, stepped up our intensive covert encouragement of commercial t.v employment and expansion there. Combined with our Poppy Project, we predict the Mother of All Victories by 2012 with minimal casualties forecast for Allah's side'"


  87. ding ding "Dubai-Beijing Bazaar announces: ' Live Americans for sale! Get your used model today! Bargain rates now. Don't wait till it's too late.'"


  88. ding ding "Economists have determined that the main innovative offering of the prior U.S. Administration and the Publirats was and is Compound Crap computed daily. USDA now requires warning label displayed clearly: 'Compound Crap may cause eyes to cross or roll up into forehead uncontrollably.'"


  89. ding ding "Commonwealth corrects officially popular reference to its Basketcase as now, more properly, the 'Slaughterer of the Stars' and its misspelling in previous travel slogan to the more accurate historically 'Virginia is for Muggers'!"
  90. ding ding "Sowega Township's Right Reverend Sahia Banuaro Ptimasha advises that correct benediction for the passing of a Publirat or Publiratta is, 'Mud to mud, crud to crud, dud to dud....' at close of ritual public celebratory commemoration ceremony at home communal landfill."


  91. ding ding "Recidivist offender Gregory Klimfald sentenced to ten years without parole of continual multiple exposure to 'The Enigma of The Feminine' breaks down publically in Court, falls to his knees and weeps openly for merciful reprieve."


  92. ding ding "Virginia reclarifies that it is 'For Lovers' following approval of properly completed permit application with remittance of one-time/one-pair use fee of $1000 ($2500, lifetime permit for age 55 and older). Women violators will be jailed repeatedly."


  93. ding ding "Supreme Court Building renamed officially today as the Whole In-The-Wal in recognition of the Gang of Nine's Walmart decision against class action sex discrimination litigants."


  94. ding ding "Norway's Dr. Hugo J. Komclo, Jr. has proven conclusively through his innovative and peer-reviewed statististical research methodology that criminal assholes are not gender-specific, i.e. there are female and male CAs, which he terms 'CACAs' generically. Reached for comment, Publiratta Debora Penmik exclaimed enthusiastically, 'We've come a long way, BABY!'"


  95. ding ding "Publibats and Publirattas introduce federal and state legislation claiming and declaring the color blue to be greenish-yellow. Activists mobilize to circulate petition protesting this bill and demanding it be redacted and urge their 283 hardcore afficiandos not otherwise preoccupied with rebuilding their homes, lives, investments, careers and neighborhoods to write or visit their Congressional representative personally to demand that blue remain blue permanently."


  96. ding ding "According to research journalists reporting in this month's edition of the Swedish World Report Summary, America has answered in the affirmative: 'Is it possible in a democracy to have an apparently popular political party that is fundamentally in its behavioral history and actuality opposed to democracy as a viable socio-economic and governmental structure?' Publiratta Joycie Yulmik of Ghistle Township, Maine commented for attribution, 'Democracy and Individual Liberties are pie-in-the-sky irrational fantasies of a bunch of no-nothing old farts who banged around these parts a few centuries ago and couldn't envision cable television or Lady GaGa, or whole body waxes.'"


  97. ding ding "Reknowned clinical psychistrist Dr. Oleg Pistreniano postulates in chart-topping research exposition Nose To No-Nos that criminal assholes are over-compensating for diminutive penile size and misfunction and suggests innovative medical therapeutic interventions."



    Break Time!




  98. ding ding "The National Weather Service has just issued another alert:'Extreme awkiness (uncomfortably disorienting weirdness) is expected to move in early this afternoon to our mountain regions, and coastal areas, and into our alluvial plains, and to what remains of our inland peninsulas and offshore islands.' Residents are advised to find an unoccupied space under a convenient rock their weight and girth will accomodate without strain and remain covered until an 'All Clear' is issued from Camp David to which our top meteorologists have beaten a scurried yet dignified retreat."


  99. ding ding "Ms. and Mssr. Manners advise that there are situations and places where the most polite thing to do is throw up on everything and everyone in sight. This is called The Gag Rule."


  100. ding ding "Belatedly, the United States of America has billed the CSA's "Dixie" for reparations for damage caused in her mid-19th century criminal rampage against federal property and its citizens and for arrears in welfare funds doled out since to its recidivist residents."


  101. ding ding "Widely-anticipated release of New DelHi's Slam Studios Unlimited's 'Run, Ramrod, Run! The Road to Monstrously Hideous' starring the overseas Cheneys and G.W.'s in selected theatres globally now. Coincident documentaries,'How To Cut Off A Head, Cleanly' and 'Allah IS Great!,' precede each showing."


  102. ding ding "Publirats argue legislatively today that carrying things to an ILLogical conclusion has never been formally tried before and may work where reason and ethics have failed them."


  103. ding ding "Publirats restart publication tomorrow of their newsletter, The R&R (Rerun & Rehash) Daily, with free gift to subscribers of PR theme song, Pat Boone's rendition of 'Stuck in the Who-Knows-Where-or-When's Today', on eight track tape, or one-size-fits-all brown tee-shirt printed as usual in bright red lettering 'BEEN HERE. DONE THIS ALREADY YET. HERE'S YOUR FRIGGIN TEE-SHIRT BACK (again).'


  104. ding ding "Forget Viagra! Treat the cause, not the symptom. Look for new Ball-Begone from Dang-It Labs International, Unlimited, today in your local pharmacy. One tablet'll blow you, and your pain, away! Find two-for-one coupon specials on your newspaper's stock market quote page."


  105. ding ding "During Oslo's international symposium yesterday university professors worldwide agreed unanimously that the Number One Question of 21st Century Philosophy worldwide is: if a stack of bills in a vault falls over but there's nothing left alive to hear it, does it make a 'thud'? The Number Two Question selected by majority vote was: Is the pig dancing on top still boogeying if nothing sees it?"


  106. ding ding "The National Weather Service has issued yet another Weirdness Warning. Normalcy has been spotted approaching the American mainland! Whether it will develop into full-blown ordinariness meteorologists have not yet determined."


  107. ding ding "First known instance of prophetically proactive criminal sentencing recorded."


  108. ding ding "Shenandoah Valley Visitors Centers began promotion last month of their fund-raising Commonwealth mascot dolls, 'The Pretentious Pompous Criminal Asshole.' Red-faced male and female versions on sale now. Pick up your unique Virginia and Valley keepsake memento today!"


    Break Time!



    ..........
    .............



  109. ding ding "The Federal Reserve Bureau of Statistics announced today its seasonally maladjusted monthly Criminal Asshole Index (CAI) rose from 23.2% to 26.1% following four breathless months of steady decline."


  110. ding ding "Publirats and Publirattas invited to step up to the line next month for their celebrity 'thug shot'."


  111. ding ding "Biologists worldwide advise North American continent Publibats that they face the inevitable death panel of natural extinction for failure to adapt survivably and viably in and to unavoidably true 21st century global environmental acualities and the 'clear and ever-present danger' of the future."


  112. ding ding "Seventy-two percent of Americans found to prefer refrigerator mold to politicians, or trial attorneys."


    Break Time!




  113. ding ding "Ecologists warn migratory Canadian geese that 'the grass is not greener' and to stay home where there's universal health care."


  114. ding ding "Archaelogists uncover incontravertible evidence that most southern trial lawyers have lied or forged their birth documents and are natural citizens of Yemen. Mass deportations and disaccreditations loom."


  115. ding ding "Consulted last month on a matter of Confederate confusion in etiquette, Ms. and Mssr. Manners stated unequivocably that kidnapping, assault, torture and murder are considered traditionally inhospitable if not downright impolite. They consequently placed larceny above using a bouillon spoon to eat ice cream on a graduated scale of embarassing social faux pas."


  116. ding ding "First retroactive American 'honor killings' reported by New Mexican desert psychic Juan Jose Maniora. Names of Publirattas and Publirats pre-deceased not revealed."


  117. ding ding "Psychiatrists worldwide at their annual Aspen seminar advise Publirats to 'try reality. It is and isn't as scary as they believe,' coaches Dr. Alicia K. P. Lobiela, 'and it has its rewards naturally.'"


  118. ding ding "Rushed to Publication for its heavily promoted and marketed Shenandoah Valley Sesquicentenial Commemoration, Virginia released last week its highly anticipated official government guide Bullish on Basics: How To Create Hell on Earth and Build Communities Acceptable To And Accredited In The Commonwealth."


  119. ding ding "The twenty-seven native-born Americans who could still stand their homeland were caught fleeing yesterday on a sinking raft headed east from the southern coast of Florida and detained now without trial on Maui."


  120. ding ding "'Social contracts are too complicated for me to understand.' explained Publiratta Patsee Blogdia of Lobittsville Township, Texas in a recent FOX A-Live interview describing her ongoing difficulties with medicare, unemployment insurance, the EPA, FDA and OSHA, and her insistence on a federal government no larger than Lobittsville's. 'It works fine for us. Just ask Davey Shipmaer down the road. Or great-gramps Ollie here,' Patsee added."


  121. ding ding "Ms. and Mssr. Manners advise proper expression etiquette for 21st century turn-down is some variant of:' No, thank you. I'm not interested right now in living in your dimension or with your biorhythm. Please uninstall yourself from the premises.'"


  122. ding ding "Due to be released today worldwide for third hardcover printing!-- Arab and Chinese bestseller Ibn Hue Fu Saladin's The Rise and Fall of Anti-Social Psychopaths: How To Make A Killing In America."


  123. ding ding "Publibatism, the abnormal insistence on conserving what never had existence, is defined formally now by the American Psychiatric Association as a diagnosably treatable clinical condition and described for proper identification in their professionally indispensable omnibus reference manual on recognized disorders of the mind and/or maladies of the emotions."


  124. ding ding "Clinical child psychiatrist Dr. Nance B. Gedinridge summarized her award-winning thesis by noting that 'Selfishness is a treatable abnormal cognition and behavioral condition, not properly a viable governmental structure or defensible socio-political theory.'"


  125. ding ding "Brand opening of Publirat fund-raising campaign shop, Frig'N'Filth, within a stone's throw of D.C.'s Lincoln Memorial today! Free bumper stickers for all who join up and/or contribute."


  126. ding ding "Federal representatives come together over bipartsan issue! Draw 'a line in the crap' concerning Elvis video."


****JOINT CONGRESSIONAL STATEMENT****

Whariz, A precious video of Elvis in black leather performing 'live' excellently and legendarily during the mid-60s in a boxing ring to an enthusiastic audience has been blocked from viewing in this country specifically by its current owners.

Whuris, THIS MEANS WAR, obviously. The forces of darkness and misery have 'outed' themselves tauntingly and brazenly.

Whariz, This outrage to our nation, its heritage and values cannot stand. Raise the alarm! Nashville is alerted to this blasphemy going on and going down!!!

Wharis, Militias are hereby called up! Warned they'll be expected to bring their own guitars, harps, drums, and banjos definitely, fifes, bass, fiddles, ukeleles even, tambourines, mandolins, horns and other weaponry to the front.

!!*********************************!!

!!*********************************!!

{Joint Resolution #ZsgJ089.76:54dxMh/cyFGg~u[o633.87yt]k(g)h1vn\b}


Exhibits A. and B.











GRAPH









*Disclaimer: Bizarro Bubbles Tabloid News Flash is satire, a traditional form of humor, and not meant to be taken seriously.



Break Time!






December 12, 2000 -- Bush versus Gore U.S. Supreme Court decision overturning popular vote in Presidential election returns




WE THE PEOPLE








digital:Fire Monster by jH

Break Time!




go to

Bizarro Video Ending


Break Time!




go to

Bizarro Flash News Lines Page Two


ACR Up-To-Date Archives -- ACR Table of Contents

ACR Cover Page


Bizarro Cover Page


Text and graphics Jeannette Harris and A Country Rag, Inc.,Jonesborough TN
January 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011. All rights reserved.